BSc (Hons) Open Student at The Open University (Final Academic Year = 2021 – 2022). BSc (Hons) Nursing (Adult) Student at University (Final [3rd] Year = Currently deferred). Student Leadership Academy (Swansea University) 2020 Participant. #FutureLeaders Health Care Support Worker. Chihuahua, Chorkie, Rankin Dragon and Tortoise Mami. Currently Divorcing. On a Healing Journey. Baby Witch Learning about Wicca.
As a lot of us do, I head over to Google in order to check that my understanding of the word ‘accusations’ is correct. It is defined by a quick search as – what I thought it was. Which is;
I am not one to openly throw around accusations, there is one thing I questioned recently, I won’t go into it, but basically I was approached and told something and when I questioned it, the dates didn’t add up 100%, so it was left like that. However I did state at the time of questioning that I was waiting for further information to back that information up.
Today I was told I had made “many accusations” against someone. Now technically, I have made claims, but NONE of these are lies. I have been an anxious and scared mess for far too long and I refuse to hide any more. I cannot live in a heightened state of fear forever. I cannot. I refuse to.
Not my Image.
This is a short and sweet post, really to vent some feelings, following a day that started with some production, getting some important financial things for the divorce set in place. Before moving on to going through old photos, many of them I had not seen before, with my Mam and sister. Cooking homemade meatballs and sauce and eating at the dinner table with my Mam, sister and brother, before ending the so far so good day with some messages putting me in a rather negative mindset (again).
I’m not playing anybody’s games anymore. The Whatsapp ‘BLOCK’ button has now been used. I cannot take this negativity anymore. All I was trying to do was get things moving and organise things, apparently it isn’t the most important thing to do now – despite my ex planning on ‘kicking me out’ two months before me filing for divorce. But apparently I am the one rushing things.
I just want this all over. I want to be free and out of someone else’s control.
People say that the BSc Nursing course flies by, I have not figured out if I feel it has flown, or whether it has gone slowly.
Coronavirus really has made things interesting. In year one, our placements were suspended and my year was placed on theory only, at home. Roll on the next couple of lockdowns and as year 2 our planner has been altered, but this time round, second years were not offered to “opt in” and get paid. Our paperwork is new, as well as different to other cohorts, because of things being cancelled or done virtually. It is all very strange.
However, providing all goes well (touch-wood), in 2021 I will become a third year Student Nurse. That thought is terrifying, yet exciting. It just doesn’t feel real. I do not feel like I am at this stage.
Is this normal? Is it because of COVID?
Who knows?
I have two placements left of year 2, as well as the theory blocks. I cannot wait to attend my next placement, I feel as though the area is one that can provide me plenty of learning opportunities.
I do aim to write up a reflective post of my next placements. However it will not be posted until after the placement has ended and it will not share any locations or personal details, because obviously as a Student Nurse it would go against a lot of rules. But keep a look out at future posts.
TRIGGER WARNING – Please take care, some of this content may cause upset and distress. Reach out for support if needed. 💜
“And I your willing victim”
Sound familiar? Yes that is a P!nk song
I had heard of people relating this song, ‘Just give me a reason‘ to a (damaging) relationship. However, I had not really thought about it. If I’m honest I could not really relate, although I love the song!
Looking back now, the song is actually pretty relevant to me. From the start of my last relationship, my heart was stolen by a kind, attentive and charming person. I had been back in the country for just over a year after spending 6 months away volunteering and nearly 2 years post relationship with my first serious boyfriend, who I thought I would marry and spend my life with. Within two weeks of seeing this person, totally infatuated, I accepted a drunken proposal. Despite it being nothing like I imagined-after double checking they remembered actually asking I said yes!!
Two years later we married.
Again, looking back before actually marrying I can see how I was totally attracted and won over by the charm, happy moments and love I felt. Ignoring the red flags and brief explanations for situations. Hiding myself and not telling my future in laws about our engagement, even going as far as her renting another room in the house (only used for storage) “just in case” anybody asked or visited. Because they “could not know.” By the time they knew we had moved to Wales and my ex had said she had cut out her family. I was the bad person who took her away from her family. Which was far from the truth. I wish I questioned this more at the time. Another red flag missed.
During the engaged-married phase we had good times, with very few disagreements. I shared stories, history and wounds. I felt happy and comfortable. I let someone gain my trust.
I identify with these words more so with the later experiences in the relationship, but definitely at least 2.5 years of the relationship. Feelings, events, emotions and even generalised facts that turned out to be true came out during sleep. Inconsistencies appeared, but I was persuaded that anything said during sleep was “not real” or “related to previous trauma” which I was told had “nothing to do” with myself. Everything had an explanation or excuse. For some reason, I just accepted these.
A barrier began to raise. Chemistry began to reduce, feelings changing. Nothing like the early stages of the relationship. Another major Red Flag missed.
Again, looking back, I was hooked. Love made me stay. It made me ignore anything that upset me, confused me or hurt me.
Like a circle, patterns and behaviours went round and round. Pain was fixed by promises and persuasion, kinder words, acts or gestures seemed to put a plaster over the issue. Things would plateau, before beginning the cycle again.
I was hooked.
Life revolved around happiness, experiences, sex and pleasure as well as a connection. Before switching back to negativity, tension and silent treatment. Where again, one small gesture or kind word seemed to fix things. Or so I thought.
Things on several occasions got to the point where I would sit there and think of reasons to stay. Reasons to fight. Reasons to change.
And then there is gaslighting
A person I loved. A person I trusted using my own trauma, my own insecurities and my own weaknesses to their advantage. Unknowingly being insulted and manipulated into thinking my feelings did not matter, that my concerns and genuine gut feelings were wrong. Even when having justification and evidence.
I was made to feel crazy and paranoid.
At the time I thought the stresses of life, bills, work and ill health were causing tension. Things felt empty. But yet I still was being made to believe my actions led to the situation. They obviously did not help and contributed but was definitely not the major issue. I wanted to fight, blinded by love. I thought we would be together forever. Despite looking at other couples and longing for their connection with my own wife.
Fast forward and behaviours continued, false promises made – resulting in “I don’t love you anymore.” Of course I came back within 24 hours – with the hope of change, false promises and a “mistake” being made. Yet things continued and the truth came out. There was someone else who had all the love that I was no longer being given.
Walking away was hard. But it had to be done. My wife at the time was in love with someone else, portraying me to others as someone I wasn’t.
It is amazing what information people come to you with, once a relationship is over. Finding out about things that have been said and done. Money saved away and plans to move others into my home. Expecting me to leave with nothing.
I wish I noticed the Red Flags sooner. I really do. Part of me also wishes I left sooner, before the added issue of her falling completely head over heels in love with someone else – like we did with each other years ago. If I had walked away sooner, perhaps the emotional damage would have been less?
These are just some of the reasons I find myself relating to this song more now, than following the release. I may be losing a marriage, my home and the life I knew. But I no longer have to;
Lie,
Withhold information,
Follow others rules in my own home,
Be silent,
Push myself when in a flare,
Ask permission to do certain things,
Play happy families,
Hide my chronic illnesses,
Sit silently while others call me the “friend” or the “partner” and allow people to not call me by my correct name or write the wrong name on cards without letting them know it is not correct,
Be manipulated, treated like rubbish and told I am imagining things, being crazy or paranoid.
I can start trying to be me again. Find myself and heal. I can find someone who does love me for me and protect me, rather than damage me.
Please note that any advice I give and explaining of processes may differ for you. I am not a legal professional and this advice relates to my situation. Please get legal advice if you need further support.
February 12th, 2021.
Having been made aware that the acknowledgement of the Divorce petition had finally been sent in, naturally I have been checking the online system daily for an update. I wasn’t expecting a quick update as it had been sent in via post, rather than submitted online. However;
After 58 days there is a response.
Things feel a bit more real now.
I was hoping this bit would have happened before Christmas. When that didn’t happen, the next date I was hoping for was by my Birthday on the 4th of February, however it didn’t happen by then either. Compared to some people I count myself lucky, many people are forced to wait not days or weeks, but months and even years to get to this stage.
I am not out to gain everything and take everything as some have been told. I want all this to be done as fairly as possible and as quickly as possible. For one simple reason. To move on.
Whilst I was not (as the phrase says) “beaten black and blue.” I have gone through an emotional hell for some time. I told a friend today I felt guilty because my pain wasn’t visible. But she explained that emotional abuse is still abuse and can be just as damaging to the mind. Part of me still feels guilt as there are others worse off than me, including people still stuck in a place they cannot leave, whilst I am more free than they am (despite still being trapped in other ways).
I have been warned that it can be harder to leave and divorce, than to be married. So I have been bearing that in mind, so far the advice has been pretty relevant. Although I do still note I am luckier than many others, but things haven’t moved very smoothly so far.
One thing I have experienced-Which I am sharing to raise some awareness to those going through a similar situation and one thing I also warn you of.
Prepare for the telling of lies so YOU look like the bad one. (No matter how nice they seem).
Also be prepared for people to come forward with behaviours, things said or seen. Don’t be angry at them, they had their reasons for not coming forward. Usually it is because they were made to believe you were the problem.
This week I came to our jointly owned home. To sort through things, work and cat sit. I would like to point out that this week, my wife was not at the property, so I felt safer. Part of me was anxious and scared that she could come back any time, however due to other events, I was reassured that this was unlikely to happen. I planned to sort out so much more than I have, however when looking at the piles of boxes and thinking, I had to go through every single item in every single box, as they had just been put in my room without being gone through. So even though only two bedrooms are done (apart from one bedside table unit) it was actually more work than it looks. Although this does mean I will have to sort other times to come and sort things. Whilst also finding cheap van rentals and storage- I can keep some items and boxes where I am, certain larger items such as my piano needs storage.
Now for the next stage….Getting a Decree Nisi.
The next stage to divorce is applying for a Decree Nisi. Still meaning I am married, but once this is issued the 6 week and 1 day countdown to applying for the final Decree Absolute can start-which means we would then be divorced. Whilst applying for the Decree Nisi it needs to be decided whether a hearing needs to be done in court. I have been told, as well as reading online that in the UK the majority of cases don’t need a hearing, but I will just have to wait and see. The date that the 6 weeks and 1 day until a Decree Absolute can be applied for will be on the Decree Nisi documentation.
During tough relationships you need to make sure you are safe. Despite what may be said, by leaving an abusive relationship (emotional or physical abuse) you should not lose the right to your home. The home can be looked at by legal professionals, it matters that you are safe.
As previously explained, the reason I am sharing my experiences is to raise awareness, offer advice and a real life account of divorce and things that come along during a divorce. The purpose of my accounts are not to lie, share false information or make me look like a good person as there are two people in a marriage. I am being honest. Writing also helps me feel like I can support others that may see this and be in a similar situation, as well as help me process things in my own way.
I was sat in my home, practising my Safe Medicate (Maths for my Nursing Degree), unaware that the year ahead was about to change so much – and not just because of the Coronavirus!!
Other than the issues that came along with the Coronavirus, the last 12 months for me have resulted in me filing for divorce from my Wife.
Am I upset?……….Deeply
Am I hurt?……….Very
Am I showing it?……….No
Is there a reason for that?……….Yes
The reason for me not showing my sadness and hurt is simple. I was expecting it. I knew things were tough and I knew, despite thinking things would change, they never did and never would-not in the way that results in a happy marriage anyway. What I did not expect was the lies, sneaking around, cheating and gaslighting that came along with the ongoing problems.
This image was taken around a year ago, at my 29th Birthday Meal. It may have a filter applied to it, but I am smiling, I look happy and during that meal, I was happy. However, behind the smile, behind the shining blue eyes lay a secret. I wanted to be dead, I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to grab my dogs and go somewhere we could never be found. My antidepressants were, and still are, at a high dose. My anxiety sky high and self esteem pretty much non-existent. I hate speaking to people, going out and have more bad days than good. I doubt everything I say, I do. The clothes I wear and decisions I make. My pain and fatigue flares (which led to a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) where pretty much never ending. I have been programmed to think everything I say and do is wrong. My gut instinct, that proved to be correct, was and often still is even doubted.
I will never doubt my gut again!!
I am now sitting in my, still legally, jointly owned home, here for the purpose of work, alongside going through the house, sorting out my possessions, packing and working out what needs going through to decide ‘who gets what.’ Within a couple of hours of arriving here, the pain and fatigue flare hit. I am not saying I’ve had no flares since leaving, but my second day here was more or less wasted as I could not move. Proving to myself that extreme levels of stress does result in a flare-also helping to explain many flares that have happened over the last few years. So far in 2021 my flares have been minimal-I put this down to factors such as leaving a toxic environment and relationship. That may sound harsh, but the reality is that it was toxic. No good for either of us, especially myself.
I sit here, mid-afternoon, staring at piles of things that still need going through, a hallway that needs clearing and the box room being the only 100% gone through room (with the exception of a box by the door that just needs moving out, a black bag and 2 bags of recycling I need to put outside. I look at these items thinking that they make up nearly a third of my life, married or seeing one person (we were engaged 2 weeks after starting to see each other and married on our 2 year anniversary). Some items I had before, some gained during this time. Some of my items I will take with me and either keep or destroy, larger items will either stay here and never be seen again by me and others will stay here as long as possible, until I have to put them into storage. That itself will cost me a lot of money, that I will need to find.
I will be losing my home. I pretty much have already. I cannot help but compare myself, many people I went to school with are buying homes, getting married, engaged or having children. I’ve lost my trust, marriage and home- I will be divorced. It definitely is not how I saw myself at 30 when picturing my future as a younger person.
A young me!!
You may ask “Why is she sharing this?” My reasons could be listed below, but I am only going to give one reason here, my main reason, which is to share my experience, well some of it, normalising a less “perfect” portrayal of people online. We only ever seem to see celebrity news or “perfect” lives online and in reality people are going through a tough time. People are being forced to keep quiet or portray themselves as happy or show that nothing is wrong.
I am speaking up for myself. I refuse to hide anymore. I have spent too long being quiet, saying nothing or only saying what I was allowed to say and I have been hiding my true self because I was told “they won’t understand” or “it isn’t worth it” and resulted in people not liking me or seeing me in a different way, criticizing me or even shouting at me and talking badly behind my back to others, all because they are not seeing the real me. So I ask you kindly, if you are reading this and do know me. Maybe now is the time to talk to me, get to know me now, with no other influence on how I act, what I say or do and then form your own judgement. It may take me some time to build myself back up, but I will be ME again.
The World cloud above contains 100 words, phrases, signs of domestic abuse. I could have gone on and on but had to stop somewhere. Abuse takes many forms and it is not always a Man doing it to a Woman!!
According to the ‘Office For National Statistics’ Crime Survey for Wales and England‘ the figures estimated 5.5% of adults aged 16-74 years old experienced domestic abuse in the last year (Year ending March 2020). That works out to be 2.3 million people. 1,288,018 domestic abuse related incidents were Police reported, although Greater Manchester Police are not included in this figure. Although 41% (529,077) of these incidents were not then recorded as a crime, the other 59% (758,941) were recorded as a crime related to domestic-abuse.
BBC News reported an 80% increase in people contacting them during the first 2020 UK Coronavirus Lockdown. Many other social media and News sources have written about the impact of lockdown and Coronavirus on abuse and how it has worsened during these times.
They also provided the below services; (click here to see the publication)
For information and support on domestic abuse, contact:
Police: 999 press 55 when prompted if you can’t speak
Refuge UK-wide 24-hour helpline: 0808 2000 247
Welsh Women’s Aid Live Fear Free 24-hour helpline: 0808 80 10 800
Scotland National Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriages 24-hour helpline: 0800 027 1234
Online webchats and text services are also available.
I aim to raise more awareness and write more about this when I feel the time is right for me, but please get some support if you are experiencing abuse or something doesn’t feel right. Please do not go through it alone.
In the UK you are still legally allowed to flee abuse if your area is in lockdown. Women’s aid offer some good resources and things to consider during lockdown and Coronavirus – click here.
.Life in Scrubs. 