A vague reality. TW

TW – Trigger Warning: this article could be harmful to you or your recovery . If you feel like you need help then please call 111 or 999 in an emergency. There are also other services that can support you.

Please don’t suffer in silence.

Look at me, what do you see??

Look at my arms and what do you see??

  • Tattoos?
  • Hair?
  • Dry Skin?

If you look closely you will see vague lines, luckily when I was younger I healed well.

I do not remember the first time I hurt myself.

One thing that does stick in my mind is during 2012 when one of my patients in the ward/unit I worked on noticed I had worn tape over part of my wrist for most of the week (I saw patients usually about 3 times a week) – Working there and changing the tape without wasting time or being noticed each time I washed my hands was so difficult. My hands were washed a lot in this job!!

Self Harm for me was a way of physically feeling my emotional pain. I did not really have anybody to talk to properly about my feelings so I felt the need to deal with it myself. My ways of self-harming was taking control over my food, over exercising and cutting myself. Nobody questions a teenager that does sports and a daily paper round; carrying up to 110 newspapers each day. Bruising or cuts come with sports and work, don’t they?

I am now 27 and whilst I do not shout out about my past of self-harm, I am not ashamed of it. In recent months I have found myself wanting to hurt myself, I have told my doctor and I am trying to focus on writing or art (or sleep) instead of thinking over these feelings. Maybe that isn’t tackling the problem but I am doing everything I can at the moment. The NHS is great, but the waiting lists are not so great!!

So what do you focus on when you look at people? What do you see when you look at me? I am not the only one with vague marks on their body. Why are they vague? Is it because I was uncertain why I started caused them? Or perhaps it is because they can only be seen if you really concentrate, or know they are there?

Maybe it is both.


If you are self harming, please be careful and seek help.


I have used the below information from an NHS Website.

(Click the Links for further Support)

Useful organisations

There are organisations that offer support and advice for people who self-harm, as well as their friends and families. These include:

Find more mental health helplines.


The Devil that is self Harm

Intentionally damaging and injuring the body.

A way of coping.

Bleeding instead of crying, but most of the time doing both.

A visual reminder of the low times in life.

I don’t know what led me to self harm, I don’t remember the first time I did it. I remember punishing myself by not eating, losing weight. I would refuse painkillers for sporting injuries, including  a chronic injury I had as a teenager. I fell out with friends, sometimes protecting them but in the long run upsetting them because I actually thought I deserved to be hated by friends.

As I grew out of the petty school girl arguments, life started kicking in and genuine concerns in life got in the way, leading to more self harming. Now I believe I was quite clever in how I self harmed, I did not self harm deeply as I knew that scars would be too obvious and wounds too obvious. I loved researching injuries and self harm websites, learning how to hide marks, keeping them clean because let’s face it if it gets infected you get caught!! Scars looked lovely but in reality it was important to cover up and keep quiet.

I urge anyone that is having feelings of self harming, or already doing so to get help, because if you don;t then you can really hurt yourself and cause injuries that can haunt you forever. You can contact me through this site if you want advice, I am always here to help! Even if I cannot help myself as well. It is in my nature to help others.

(NHS Direct)

Useful organisations

There are a number of organisations you can contact that offer support and advice for people who self-harm, as well as their friends and families. These include:

Remember : Stay Strong

Stacie-Mai xx