I loved school, but I went through hell during Secondary School.

At about aged 14 I started a diet; I was maybe about 10 stone to start and was reasonably fit (I did a lot of sport) even battling with my knee.

When I hit about 8 stone I was getting changed in school for PE and a few of the girls asked if I had lost weight and said I looked good – at this point I felt good because I upped my exercise and limited calories to reach this goal but it dawned on me that these girls actually must have noticed what I looked like before- for them to comment on my weight now.

This made me quite self-conscious, making me concentrate on my weight even more.

Then started the downward spiral to a lighter weight.

I cut back more and more, I did a paper round after school and I use to say that I got food when I was out or that I would grab something later, most of the time my mother left it at that, sometimes I did eat a little later, other times I had some little pasties and I would have one in the evening.(sometimes the bag of 10 would last 10 days, these were tiny little pasties – looking back I am surprised they never went mouldy or made me ill 🤢)

Within these 3 weeks or so I had gone from 10 stone to 7 and in a further week I dropped to about 6 stone – or 38kg /83 lbs.

I was pale and looked ill but nobody noticed!!

I lived on hardly any food and my energy levels started to drop – what brought me back to my sense was the fact that my dentist said I had to have a tooth out under general anaesthetic and because I was 14 I would need an adult with me. So the fear of anyone (especially my mother) finding out forced my to put on 3 stone. I was 9 stone when they weighed me before my general and nobody battered an eyelid.

My 15th Birthday was a few days later; I don’t have any photos of me at my lightest – but this is me at 9 stone on my birthday;

Me at the front in the brown top!

Now I am a lot heavier, I get extremely self conscious and most days I wish I was anorexic again, but I know that is not the way to healthy. My PCOS started at 15, not long after putting my weight back on and due to my metabolism, PCOS, shift work, blood sugar evens and numerous other reasons I am struggling to lose the weight.

Dieting is a culture these days and I don’t want to be a bad example. Exercise and healthier eating is the way forward. And might I add me needing to lose weight is now a medical need and I have to be a “healthy BMI” for some hospital treatment – I am doing it for my health as advised by Medical Professionals.

Please don’t suffer in silence if you are suffering with an eating disorder, you don’t have to be thin to have an eating disorder Speak to someone, reach out and acknowledge you need help.

Pretty much everyone has body worries, too tall, too short, no thigh gap, or for most of us….

TOO FAT!!

I come under the obese category, 5 ft 5 inches and 103kg. BMI of 37.3 (lower than what I was!)

When I was in school I went through a stage of eating less and liking the results, the results of this “experiment” (at the time) was me going from about 10 stone down to 6. Luckily for me the only people who realised I was losing weight were the “popular girls” in school who noticed when I hit 8 stone, from then on I got changed in the toilet cubicle and nobody realised what was happening to me.

I considered myself at the time as anorexic, Well I guess I was, Living off a tub of Nutella spread for 3 weeks and air, how I survived I do not know! I loved the lifestyle, the results, being able to see bones, I thought they were beautiful.

Still to this day my family do not know about this struggle, a few of my close friends and the wife are the only people who know I had issues. I have hardly any pictures of this time, if I did I think I would have gone down that route again because I know what results to expect! I do NOT have the willpower to live that lifestyle now! Part of me wishes I did but deep down I know it is not the right way to do things and that my health is more important.

MY REALITY SLAP IN THE FACE!!

I needed two teeth out, and being under 16 my mam would have to be around, for weighing, check ups and the General Anesthetic. Within 6 weeks I was back to just over 9 stone. Just in time for the surgery. She didn’t suspect a thing!! Although the dentist I initially saw before being referred to the surgical team did pull me aside from my mam and ask if I was ok due to him noticing acid damage to teeth and general warning signs for eating disorders and purging, I managed to get away with saying I had been ill the week before and he accepted that!!

It is hard for me to see myself and the way I use to be, I still cannot believe that I weigh almost triple what I use to!! It makes me angry, upset and disappointed in myself. But equally I am proud of getting over anorexia myself!! I guess it shows me what a strong person I was at the time.

I used my story as inspiration for my Art, and got an A in my exams with the theme contributing to the final grade.

 Inspiration from Pinterest.

I still don’t tell people I am recovering from and Eating Disorder, I believe I still have one, I have gone from one extreme to another. The NHS just tell me to join Weight Watchers, from friends they suggest Slimming World is better, but I do not have the spare income to waste, I realise it would be good in the long haul but I do not have the spare money.

Demi Lovato is a huge inspiration for me. Not only do I love her music, I love the way she shares her story and is so open about her experiences. I though at one point I had bipolar, I did not ever pursue this as I spent too much time “researching on Google” and realised I was making things bigger than they were, but I still used her an my inspiration and my idol. and I still do to this day.  She inspires me through music, tattoos, sharing and using her job to do good. If I met her I would hug her and say thank you. Before of course asking for a job travelling and sharing stories!!

Stacie-Mai xx