A vague reality. TW

TW – Trigger Warning: this article could be harmful to you or your recovery . If you feel like you need help then please call 111 or 999 in an emergency. There are also other services that can support you.

Please don’t suffer in silence.

Look at me, what do you see??

Look at my arms and what do you see??

  • Tattoos?
  • Hair?
  • Dry Skin?

If you look closely you will see vague lines, luckily when I was younger I healed well.

I do not remember the first time I hurt myself.

One thing that does stick in my mind is during 2012 when one of my patients in the ward/unit I worked on noticed I had worn tape over part of my wrist for most of the week (I saw patients usually about 3 times a week) – Working there and changing the tape without wasting time or being noticed each time I washed my hands was so difficult. My hands were washed a lot in this job!!

Self Harm for me was a way of physically feeling my emotional pain. I did not really have anybody to talk to properly about my feelings so I felt the need to deal with it myself. My ways of self-harming was taking control over my food, over exercising and cutting myself. Nobody questions a teenager that does sports and a daily paper round; carrying up to 110 newspapers each day. Bruising or cuts come with sports and work, don’t they?

I am now 27 and whilst I do not shout out about my past of self-harm, I am not ashamed of it. In recent months I have found myself wanting to hurt myself, I have told my doctor and I am trying to focus on writing or art (or sleep) instead of thinking over these feelings. Maybe that isn’t tackling the problem but I am doing everything I can at the moment. The NHS is great, but the waiting lists are not so great!!

So what do you focus on when you look at people? What do you see when you look at me? I am not the only one with vague marks on their body. Why are they vague? Is it because I was uncertain why I started caused them? Or perhaps it is because they can only be seen if you really concentrate, or know they are there?

Maybe it is both.


If you are self harming, please be careful and seek help.


I have used the below information from an NHS Website.

(Click the Links for further Support)

Useful organisations

There are organisations that offer support and advice for people who self-harm, as well as their friends and families. These include:

Find more mental health helplines.


10 thoughts on “A vague reality. TW

  1. The distractions you are using are great. You are trying and yes, waiting lists are long. I have not self-harmed myself, so I cannot say I have been there, but I know of a friend who self-harmed when she was younger before I knew her, but also she did it later as an adult, so I have seen how she has been in those difficult times.
    My heart felt for her and I was worried. She is doing good now and has ongoing support still. The future is brighter for her.

    I hope you don’t have too long to wait and I hope you find the distractions away from these thoughts. Your blog is another, getting your feelings out and written down.


  2. thanks for writing this. it helped me. I have did and ptsd. I am in Ireland. we self harm a lot. not so much now but we have in the past. and we still get a lot of urges. one of our alters liz does it a lot. she uses razors and knives and has cut us up pretty bad at times. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I self harmed also… done it to get a sense of control and to make me feel something when I felt numb and when I didn’t understand my emotions.

    I’m not ashamed of my scars. They are proof that I am surviving. You are doing so well and thanks for sharing. Society still feels uncomfortable talking about issues like this. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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